A Photo Is Worth A Thousand Words
by EmeraldEyes23
Summary: Ash has one of his worst nightmares. But Eiji is there to comfort him. When Ash starts doubting Eiji’s motives again, Eiji has a unique way of proving him wrong


Note: please don't read if the (slightest) mention of rape

triggers something in you.

It always started with a dimly lit room. His nightmares. The spare furniture. The bed where they held him down with force. Wrists bound in a rough way, the rope cutting deeply into his pale skin.

He could feel their filthy hands on him. Monsters touching him everywhere. His back, his chest, his stomach, his hips, between his legs. Calling him beautiful. Aroused by his cries, his tears, his pain, his agony. He tried to close his eyes, pretending to be dreaming, pretending to be far away from here, but the metallic smell of blood, their sweat and other body odors as well as the stale air was so overwhelming that it was violently tearing him back to the harsh reality.

Then someone faceless and blurry always undressed and Ash knew that the worst was yet to come. He desperately wanted to escape. To fight against it. To cry out for help. But that would make the pain only worse. His suffering take longer. They will wanted him to fight back. To give them a reason to hurt him even more. They enjoyed it. His agony turned them on. So he stayed down like always, giving into his cruel fate, too scared to do anything…

No! Don't! Please make it stop!, he whispered in silence. Someone save me! Help me, please!, he thought desperately, praying and pleading to anyone who'd listen…

But he knew no one would help him. He was just a worthless whore and a killer, why would anyone even bother? Why help a repulsive creature like him? He knew he didn't deserve that... After all he had done…

But in the back of his mind he desperately wished for it anyway. That something would happen to end this sickening torture he had to go through every damn time. That someday this would all be over. That someone would save him.

But that was too easy. Naive even. So he did the only thing he could do. He tried to turn his emotions completely off. Becoming numb. Emotionally dead. Denying the pain. Wearing a mask of indifference. Creating an impenetrable wall behind which he could hide his broken self, his injured soul, his bleeding heart. That was the only way to endure this living hell…

One of them was coming closer, laughing like a lunatic, a vicious grin on his face and unhidden lust in his devilish eyes. That monster was getting closer and closer but he couldn't move, couldn't scream, couldn't escape, couldn't do anything…

He was scared to death but no one would hear him. His rough hands reached for him, gripping him violently and brutally holding him down with all his strength, forcing himself onto him…

"NO — !"

Ash suddenly shot upward, crying out in sheer terror. At first he didn't know where he was. He couldn't see anything, his eyes were burning with hot tears. There was only darkness surrounding him. Shaking violently, he was gripping his shirt tightly where his chest was. After a moment he realized he was choking, desperately gasping for air, one hand gripping his throat in a futile attempt to breathe again. Completely drenched in sweat, beads were running down his forehead, mixing in with his tears. He felt so dirty, filthy, disgusting. He could still feel their rough hands everywhere on his body. No matter what he would do that feeling just wouldn't go away. It never did.

His whole body was still trembling with fear. His head was throbbing painfully and he still couldn't breathe. He felt a hand next to him coming closer. Panic shot through him, he didn't want those filthy hands to touch him, to hurt him, not again…

"N-No!", he cried out, his voice cracking, completely terrified, "Don't touch me!" He instinctively was tucking his knees to his chest, putting his arms protectively around himself. Trying to make himself look small, invisible. The hand instantly pulled back. Instead the light was switched on. Then he heard a voice. A familiar one.

"Ash? It's ok. It was just a nightmare. You're safe. No one will hurt you. I promise. You recognize my voice, right?", Eiji said in a soft and gentle tone, trying to calm him down.

A nightmare. Just a fucking nightmare…

"E-Eiji?", Ash barely choked out the words. He would recognize that voice anywhere. It was comforting and warm. Eiji was safe. He'd never hurt him. "Where are you?, he asked confused and disoriented, still not being able to make out his silhouette through his still tear-filled eyes.

"Yeah, it's me. Eiji. I'm right next to you. Can I touch you now?", he asked, his face a bit closer but with enough distance between them that Ash could pull back if he wanted to. Eiji never did anything without asking for permission from him first. He always asked, making sure Ash knew he had a choice. Hearing his kind voice, Ash relaxed slightly, his arms dropping to his sides, releasing his knees. Still trembling, he tried sitting up at the edge of the bed in a more comfortable position.

Ash just nodded, unable to find the words and still having trouble breathing. His throat felt dry and rough, like sandpaper. His voice just failed him.

Eiji carefully moved over next to him, apparently not wanting to scare him, both of his hands taking Ash's hand so carefully that he could pull out of his touch. He didn't. Eiji's touch always calmed him. It was warm and gentle. It didn't force him, didn't demand. Didn't hurt him. Didn't do anything without his consent. Instead it showed him that he wasn't alone. That he was safe. Protected. His trembling had gotten a little better by now. But his eyes were still fixated on Eiji's hands, his lifebelt in a sea of darkness, gaze lowered, too embarrassed to look at him in his pathetic state.

I don't want you to see me like that…

"Ash, look at me. Please?", Eiji pleaded in a low voice, obviously worried about him.

He just couldn't. He hated that Eiji had to see him like that. With hot tears shining in his eyes. And his tear-streaked cheeks still puffy and red. So damn weak. So scared. Like a damn child.

I'm just a burden to him.

He still couldn't see much of his surroundings, everything was still out of focus. He was still breathing hard, panting, inhaling and exhaling in too short gasps, even if it was a bit better now. Of course, Eiji noticed that, too because he tried again.

"Ash, please look at me.", Eiji tried again, sitting next to him at the edge of the bed. This time a bit more firmly. "You're still breathing really hard. Let me help you. Please." He slowly touched his upper arm lightly, then gently and slowly put an arm around his shoulders while still holding his hand. Ash flinched at the touch but Eiji said calmly "It's alright. You're safe. No one will hurt you again. I've got you. You don't have to go through all of that alone. I'm here with you. Always."

That made Ash finally look up at him in astonishment, wiping away his remaining tears with his sleeve. Finally seeing Eiji's face clearly for the first time made him loosen up completely. All the tension was leaving his body at once, falling towards Eiji like a puppet with cut strings. Eiji moved a bit, catching him, holding him tightly. Ash's head fell on Eiji's shoulder and he began crying uncontrollably. All his fear, terror and pain were suddenly pouring out of him endlessly like opened floodgates of a dam, as he gripped Eiji's back as tightly as he could, like a life line. Eiji held him with one hand while stroking his hair with his other hand, whispering soft and reassuring words into his ear. His comforting words were slowly soothing him until he breathed more normally after a while and the tears finally stopped flowing down his reddened face. Eventually Ash's grip on Eiji's back slowly loosened as well. Noticing that, Eiji slowly pulled out of the hug, looking into his puffy green eyes, a tinge of red remaining behind from all those fallen tears.

Ash couldn't bear to look into his compassionate eyes, lowering his gaze, feeling so ashamed of himself. "I'm so sorry, Eiji. That I always put you through all of that. You don't deserve that.", Ash said in a hoarse voice, still sobbing but calmer. He still couldn't look into Eiji's eyes, too embarrassed to face him.

Eiji slowly took Ash's face into his hands and wiped away the leftover tears on both of his cheeks with his thumbs. This time Ash didn't flinch at the touch. Eiji's hands never hurt him, instead they comforted him, helped him, healed him, saved him. Always. Unlike his cruel and tainted hands covered in blood, Eiji's hands were pure and gentle. Like a blanket, warming him, protecting him from the coldness that had dominated his life far too long.

"You have nothing to feel sorry for.", Eiji assured him, looking directly into his jade green eyes.

"But…", Ash began, but Eiji interrupted him softly, gently putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Ash, none of this is your fault, ok? The people who hurt you are to blame, but not you. Never you.", he said in a determined but compassionate voice. "Do you feel a bit better now?"

Ash nodded. But he knew his green eyes were probably still drowning in self-loathing, showing Eiji his true emotions and his inner torment. Damn. He really hated himself for putting Eiji through all of this every time. He didn't deserve to deal with his shit all the time. That hadn't been the first time he had woken up like this from one of his terrifying nightmares. And he knew it wouldn't be the last. He always involved Eiji in his nightmares, interrupting his sleep. Making him worry. Scare him even. So why was Eiji always so understanding? Wasn't he sick of helping him all the time? Why wasn't he angry? Annoyed? Or even worse, leaving him? Or telling him to leave? The mere thought of losing Eiji made him shiver again.

I can't imagine a life without you.

"Ash, don't worry.", Eiji told him, seeing Ash's pained look. Eiji only knew too well that Ash was tormenting himself again, trying to push him away. He always noticed even the tiniest details about him. "I like to take care of you when you have nightmares or you're not feeling well, ok? You deserve that. You really do. And it's normal that you have nightmares after all you've been going through. I want to be here for you. You don't have to suffer alone anymore.", he assured him, seeing the doubt in his eyes. "Let me help you, ok? So please don't push me away."

Ash wondered how in the world he deserved someone like Eiji. He was such an amazing and selfless person, he could be friends with anyone easily. Why would Eiji choose someone like him who always complicated his life and was nothing but trouble? Who was just a vicious monster, a cold-blooded killer and, to top it all off, a male prostitute? He didn't understand it. He hesitated for a second before asking in a barely audible voice:

"W-Why ? I always interrupt your sleep and only hurt you. Worry you. Without me your life wouldn't be such a mess. Why don't you just leave someone as broken as me? I only make your life harder. Maybe I should just leave.", he said in an agonizingly sad tone, lowering his head, a silent tear streaming down his face. Eiji looked shocked at first, then understanding flashed in his chocolate brown eyes.

Eiji raised his chin again with one hand and just smiled warmly at him. "I want to be there for you when you are suffering. You didn't deserve what you have been going through. All that pain and suffering. I know that it's difficult for you to accept that someone likes you just the way you are. That will take time. But you deserve so much better. I want you to be happy. And you will be. Not now, but eventually. We both will be. And we will overcome everything together."

Eiji apparently noticed the shred of a doubt still lingering behind in his green eyes. "Ash, do you truly want me to leave? Or do you really want to leave me?", he asked in frustration.

"No!", Ash replied in resignation, his voice overpowered with sadness. "I-I don't. But –"

Eiji just looked at him, compassion in his warm eyes. "Then I'm relieved. Because I don't want to leave you either. And I would never want you to leave."

"But why?", Ash asked incredulously.

You're always here for me. But I never do anything for you in return…

"Simple. Because I need you as much as you need me. And please don't say that you can't give me anything back.", anticipating his next words. "That's not true. You gave my life a new meaning back in New York. You taught me to not give up so easily and you still motivate me each day to finish my studies as a photographer. I think I never would have tried to finish them without you. After such a long break. You give me the self-confidence to believe in myself and my abilities. I know you feel bad because you don't work at the moment. But thanks to Dino's money you can take your time to heal and get back on your feet. You don't need to rush things, Ash. It will all work out. You'll see."

Ash still had a disbelieving look on his face. Eiji sighed dramatically, resignation overshadowing his features. Eiji realized that his words didn't entirely get through to him. Ash thought he'd get angry or frustrated, but then Eiji seemed to have a sudden inspiration since his face suddenly lit up, his eyes turning to a golden brown color.

"Let me show you something. A photo is worth a thousand words. That will show you the truth. About us. Photos never lie."

Eiji got up and walked over to a room where he kept all of his photos and all his other equipment needed for his photography projects. He rummaged through his things, Ash could hear it, until he seemed to have found what he was looking for. He handed him a photo he had never seen before, taken of both of them while still in New York.

Ash remembered that evening but not the photo. He wondered when Eiji had taken that. They had been watching a movie that night, enjoying a calm evening alone for once. After some time Ash ended up lying on the couch, his blonde head resting on Eiji's lap. In the photo Eiji was stroking his blonde hair and looking down at him with a warm smile. That warm expression on Eiji's face wasn't anything special, but seeing it for himself how Eiji looked at him in a photo took Ash completely by surprise nonetheless.

In the photo he could see clearly without a doubt how much Eiji cared for him. Ash felt like an idiot for even questioning Eiji's pure motives. It was obvious on Eiji's face how much he really meant to him. Fuck.

But one thing he would never have imagined at all was that he wore the very same expression himself. He looked up at Eiji, his hand touching Eiji's arm gently while looking at him with a completely relaxed expression and a slight smile dancing on his lips. He didn't know he could look so… happy? He was looking up at Eiji with eyes that couldn't belong to him. Those eyes were too bright. His eyes were incapable of that glow. He wasn't able to look like that… or was he?

His eyes were filled with … kindness? Or something similar? And full of empathy instead of his merciless and empty look he normally wore. It wasn't an act or a faked expression either. His face held a genuine smile, even reaching his eyes for once, making them light up. Was that really the way he looked at Eiji? Honestly? Ash was totally dumbfounded.

People always said about him that he was an emotionless and cold-blooded beast. A creature incapable of feelings. Who could silence people with his icy death glare only. A killer's eyes.

When had he started to look so … human? So normal? Like a teenager? His eyes looking up at Eiji were practically shining with the same warmth, affection and kindness always revealed in Eiji's eyes. But that was impossible. He still couldn't believe that was him in the photo. That his face could even form such warm expressions. That his eyes could reflect so many feelings at the same time. When had he started to look at Eiji like that? In that photo he had completely let his guard down and his whole body was relaxed and absolutely at ease, showing a vulnerability he never showed in front of anyone else. At that moment Ash realized with a start that it was much too late to push Eiji away. He finally understood as well why Eiji would never leave him. And why he would never manage to leave Eiji either. He finally looked at Eiji, pure surprise written all over his still pale face.

"Do you see it now?", Eiji asked him. "That we both need each other? That our bond is mutual?"

"Yeah, I… do.", Ash agreed reluctantly. "I didn't know I could even look like that…", he admitted. "So… I don't know… happy or something …"

Ash hesitated for a moment. "Eiji, uhm… can I … keep that photo?", he finally asked.

"Of course. Just keep it. I have another copy of it.", he replied warmly, before adding:

"That photo shows the warm-hearted and kind person you don't see yet yourself. I really look forward to the day when you look into a mirror and don't see a killer and a male prostitute but that amazing person in the photo I can see every day.

"What exactly do you see, Eiji?", Ash asked curiously. He really needed to know.

"I see someone amazingly smart who always protected me and all the people he cared for. Someone who'd even risk his life for all of us without thinking twice. A very brave, intelligent and caring person who is just hurting and has gone through a lot. Someone who made me feel safe in a world full of danger and whom I trust unconditionally." He paused for a short moment.

"And a hopeless book nerd who stops at every book store and library he comes across destroying all my attempts to show him Japan.", he added with a smirk on his face after a moment.

That last part made Ash actually smirk back. He smacked Eiji's head lightly. "Sorry, but that wouldn't have happened if you had started with the library. You should have known at least that much about me..."

"Ouch", Eiji said laughing. "I forgot to add annoying smartass to the list.", he teased him.

And just like that, all of Ash's depressing thoughts miraculously dissolved into thin air. Eiji had apparently noticed that, too.

"You look better now, but you're still very pale. Do you want some water?", he asked Ash.

"Yeah", Ash was finally relaxing. Eiji's warm voice always made him feel right at home.

Do you…, Ash began, hesitating. He suddenly didn't dare to go on. Remembering how people always expected something in return from him when asking for a favor. Something he didn't want to do. He knew Eiji wasn't like that, but… the memory still made him freeze up halfway.

"What do you want, Ash? Tell me. Please.", Eiji asked him patiently, giving him a reassuring look.

Ash's voice was cracking and he looked away from Eiji stubbornly. "It's nothing. Never mind."

Eiji turned his face towards him again and made him look into his eyes, smiling. "It's ok. Just ask me and I'll do it." Drowning in those warm, brown eyes helped Ash to try again. Remembering he could ask Eiji for anything and Eiji would never expect anything from him in return. That he wasn't like that. He wouldn't demand a favor he didn't want to do or have an ulterior motive. Maybe some day he could accept that without any remaining doubts lingering behind.

"P-painkillers?" He finally managed. "My head really hurts."

Eiji got up from the bed. "Ok, wait a sec. I'll be right back." He instantly came back with a glass of water and two pills, handing them to Ash. After taking them and finishing the glass of water Eiji put it on the bedside table.

"Do you think you can try to sleep again?"

Ash nodded.

"Ok, then let's lie down again." Now it was Eiji's turn to hesitate, placing a hand on Ash's shoulder.

"Ash, you know that you can talk to me about your nightmares, don't you? You don't have to, but if you want to talk I'm here. Sometimes that can help a lot."

"I know, Eiji, but I just wanna forget all of that shit that's happened to me.", Ash replied sadly.

"Ok, I understand. I just wanted to make sure you know that."

"I know.", Ash replied, yawning, the exhaustion finally catching up to him.

"Let's go back to sleep. You'll need it. You still look awfully pale."

Ash knew denying it would be pointless, so he didn't reply.

They lay down next to each other in comfortable silence. Ash closed his eyes. But he still couldn't sleep, the nightmare was still too fresh on his mind. Too vivid. The images still haunted him. When he closed his eyes, he could still feel their filthy hands on his skin, still hear their evil laughter echoing in his ears. He felt dirty and gross but knew no matter how often he'd take a shower that feeling wouldn't go away. He sighed, his left hand covering his eyes. What was he supposed to do now? He shifted slightly, wondering how to fall asleep again. Slowly Eiji took his right hand and intertwined their fingers gently. Of course, Eiji had been watching his movements carefully. He always did.

Eiji was never the one to go to sleep first. He always made sure that Ash was asleep before he did. Ash knew Eiji watched him and his breathing carefully before going to sleep himself. Making sure he slept peacefully. Eiji had once explained to Ash that he could sleep better that way. It was like a ritual for him. But that didn't mean Ash liked it. But if it helped Eiji sleep he couldn't really tell him to stop… He knew that Eiji sometimes had trouble sleeping as well. They both went through enough shit together to last a lifetime.

Still remembering that nightmare?, Eiji simply asked.

Ash just nodded in the semi-darkness.

Eiji came closer and gently put his arms around his waist, his grip very loose, so Ash could refuse.

Ash was surprised and hesitated for a moment, but then he clumsily returned the hug, still braced for rejection, looking up at Eiji uncertainly. When Eiji nodded at him reassuringly, he pulled him closer, tightening his grip, his head falling on Eiji's chest without thinking. He tried to pull back, but Eiji softly pushed his head down again.

"Eiji?", Ash began, his voice barely a whisper.

"It's ok. Stay like this. If it's not uncomfortable for you. It will make you feel safe. You'll sleep better.", touching the back of his head gently.

Normally Ash would argue that this position couldn't be comfortable for Eiji but he was so exhausted from that nightmare and all that crying that he just said "Thanks, Eiji."

Eiji stroked his hair with one hand and said "Sleep well, Ash.", before pulling the blanket over them both again.

Before he knew it, he was sleeping soundly until the sun was shining through the window, introducing a new day.

Ash couldn't express how grateful he was for meeting Eiji. Words were nowhere near powerful enough to describe how happy he was with him. Eiji was the only one who could make him feel safe. Protected. Loved. For the first time in his life he really felt alive. And didn't regret it. Maybe it was selfish. But he wanted his life to stay exactly like this. Forever.


End file.
